It’s so important to find people that understand you, challenge you, and better you. I’ve been extremely lucky that I get to have so many profoundly comfortable, sweet, loving friendships and relationships. I’m definitely crying as I write this, but I truly hope that this helps you figure out who you should have in your life and I hope that you get to experience the acceptance, warmth, and love that I have had the absolute privilege to experience throughout my life.
This piece of writing came from listening to “Chosen Family” by Rina Sawayama. I encourage you to have a listen for some cozy feelings.
It isn’t always easy to figure out the people that are / are not good for you. As Eugenia Cheng states in her lovely, lovely book, The Art of Logic In An Illogical World, even if something is logical doesn’t mean that it can overcome our emotions to change our mind about things. I highly recommend this book, by the way, it’s all about constructing logical arguments and figuring out how to get to the root of people’s objections to your own beliefs. Eugenia Cheng is a mathematician and makes the relationship between math and logic very streamlined and not confusing, so it’s digestible, interesting, and thoughtful.
I think it’s important to begin by really liking yourself, understanding who you are fundamentally, figuring out the lines that you won’t allow to be crossed and why you made those lines in the first place. We are all socialized to believe things, from our family, our communities, the schools we attend, the people we befriend, the things we watch and read and think about, so it’s crucial to unpack why we feel the way we feel about the things and people that we have feelings towards and also be open to changing our minds. As a human being, I hate admitting that I’m wrong, but that doesn’t mean that I’m allowed to just continue being wrong when it doesn’t benefit me to be stubborn and insistent on being right. Step one is to figure out you, figure out who you are, what you need, and what you’re okay with and what’s unacceptable to you.
Step two is to find people who you feel comfortable with, people you can treat with respect, kindness, love, care, compassion, empathy, people that make you feel cozy when you interact with them. This is imperative. In order to have a proper chosen family, you need to find people that inspire you to be a better person, in the way that you think and behave. It’s important that these are not people that you have to convince through threats to change, that they are just receptive to changing for the better and that you are receptive to being influenced by the goodness that you see in them.
I might only have two steps for getting a chosen family together. It’s just a melding of you and other people who are open to understanding and loving one another, that you don’t feel stupid or unlovable or disappointing or any number of negative emotions with. I don’t think that I have always been the perfect friend to all the people that have come in and out of my life, but I do know that I am a wonderful friend to each of the people who are in my life now and in this aspect of my life, I feel peaceful.
I have never been a believer in having relationships that are dramatic, that you have to fight for love, that you have to argue (as in fights, where no one feels good) in order to grow. I don’t think that this is the highest form of love or that love has to be difficult / hard. Love should be simple and easy and fun. You should feel good when you are loving and loved. Love doesn’t have jealousy / envy in it, it’s truly about feeling calm, reflective, and if that love is peaceful, it feels truly transcendent.
I don’t think that there will be any relationship that doesn’t involve disagreements, but it’s how you approach those disagreements that really matters. You shouldn’t have to scream or shout or hurt someone to get your point across and you shouldn’t feel offended or defensive if someone you care about doesn’t agree with you about something. Through careful speaking and communicating clearly, you can have a productive conversation and you can agree to disagree or meet on a more middle ground. You also need to realize that not everyone can do this, that not everyone is interested on working on your relationship together as much as you are. This is absolutely okay, but you DO have to know that if it is not enough for you, you are not required to stay within that relationship / friendship. I know that I feel that my time and attention is precious and not everyone deserves access to that or when it’s a situation where I’m not at my best and I can’t give my best, I have to recognize that I can’t be what this person needs, either.
I hope that this helps you figure some things out. You don’t have to stay for someone, if it doesn’t make you feel good or happy, but if you’re not exuding a positive energy and treating people with respect and kindness, then people don’t have to stay for you either.
I’m happy. I don’t have a lot of things figured out, but I know that the people that I have chosen to be vulnerable and open with are the very best kinds of people for me. They make me feel valued and respected and it’s so simple and so easy. I hope that you find what you need for yourself and that the chosen family that you choose for yourself can provide you with support and structure and that you can all show each other the levels of empathy and kindness that we’re absolutely capable of showing one another.
Sincerely,
Lily
P.S. Love letters to each of my favorite people are coming.
